You see, apparently the Big Daddy in the Sky created everything in the universe with Earth as his crowning achievement. When He got bored of banishing the dark with light and killing dinosaurs, He created man in His image. Apparently, God didn’t recall that man, like other creatures He made, such as livestock, fish, and birds, must reproduce, and to do so need an opposing sex. Omniscience can be a pain in the neck, bro.
The first man, Adam, hung out in the Garden of Eden and he, too, like his Creator got bored. “Hey, God, this garden’s beautiful, I love the azaleas, but it’s kind of lonely,” said Adam. He wiggled his eyebrows. “If you know what I mean.”
“Of course I do,” God said. “I can read your thoughts, damn it!”
And so God made—animals?
Wait, he made animals first, right? Well, it depends on which creation story you read in Genesis. In the first, God makes animals before man. In the second…well, you’ll see…
Adam looked in amazement at the wildlife God created. “This is great,” he exclaimed. “I was tired of being a vegetarian.” But soon, “boredom” reared its ugly head. “Hey, God?”
“Yes, Adam?”
“Look, what you made was great. The tigers, love the colors. The shark I’m not too crazy about, but I get along with the apes.”
“Good.”
“But when I said I was lonely, I kind of meant, you know…”
God smacked His forehead. “Of course!”
So, God, that magical fashioner, took a rib from Adam to make him a wife, Eve, without using anesthetic (Adam was a trooper). Adam and Eve wandered the garden hand-in-hand, naked as jaybirds (except when they put leaves over their genitals and pinned them to some vines to make themselves a chic nature thong). It was a good, child-like, peaceful existence.
Until one day...
A magnificent tree towered in the Garden, baring the tastiest fruit. God said to Adam and Eve, “Don’t eat the fruit. I need it for my smoothies.” In fact, the tree was The Tree of Knowledge (or the Tree of Life, depending on the ‘eyewitness’ or the translation) and only God had the property rights.
Adam and Eve replied, “We won’t touch it, sir.”
But a crafty serpent, an evil bastard, found its way into the garden and whispered to Eve, “Hey, Eve, Adam’s taking care of business in the bushes, right? So why don’t you have a little bite of this fruit? I had some. It’s great for your skin.”
Eve, who never tanned, only burned, ate the fruit. The serpent promised her that in eating it, she could be like God and escape death. Eve, who until now did not know the concept of death, exclaimed, “Why wasn’t I told about it?!” She rushed to Adam and explained all she knew. He couldn’t comprehend. She told him he would understand if he ate the fruit, too.
Adam took a big bite, looked down, and realized everybody could see what was flapping between his legs. He felt embarrassed. Eve saw her breasts, and what had to be at this point in history a gigantic bush.
They rushed around the Garden, making better genital coverings, when God found them. He had been elsewhere in the Garden, unaware the serpent had entered, forgetful that He could kick it out whenever He pleased. Again, omniscience can be a drag.
God was pissed. Adam, Eve, and the serpent pointed fingers at one another (alright, maybe not the serpent, but he can talk, okay?). God counted to three. On three, all of them kept quiet. God glared at the serpent and said, “I curse you to slither on your belly all your days!”
The serpent cocked his brow. “Isn’t that what I already—? Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir. I’m sorry. I’ll just slither away now. See you later.” He glanced at Adam and Eve. “Sorry, guys, must be going. It’s a snake’s life, you know. I’ll just be slithering…” And with that he disappeared into the bushes.
God pointed to Adam and Eve. “Get out of this garden, ingrates! I turn my back once and you disobey me?!”
Eve spoke right up. “What’s this about death, then? You never mentioned it.”
God looked about and replied, “Never mind that now! Adam, for your punishment, you’ll work hard and sweat your whole life away because you’re the man!”
Adam hung his head and muttered, “Yeah, thanks for that.”
God pointed at Eve and said, “And you shall have pain in childbirth!”
Eve rolled her eyes. “Typical man.”
God threw open the Gates of Eden, kicked Adam and Eve into the world, and locked down the Tree of Knowledge (or Life). He set a cherub at its gates and told the cherub, “Don’t let any creation of mine come in here again unless he holds out his hand and accepts the fruit as coming from Me. Only then will he live forever.”
“What about women?” the cherub asked.
“Huh?”
“You said, ‘he.’ What if a woman shows up? Is this a Men’s Club?”
God thought it over. “For now,” He replied.
Since this Fall of Man, every one of us has Original Sin on our souls. You should feel horrible. You should kneel and pray for God’s forgiveness. You should feel guilty for the promise Adam and Eve broke thousands of years before you. The pain your mother experienced at your birth serves as a reminder of your hereditary treachery.
Right?
Stay tuned for Part II…
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